I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Randomize
