you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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