textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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