Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
if only i could text you this smell
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Randomize
