I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
