she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
