you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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