you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
