I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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