Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
