On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
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