I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
