I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
