I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Randomize
