Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
