he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
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