I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
