You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Randomize
