You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
