If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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