In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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