if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
NoShamevember. You game?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
