Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
