she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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