Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
