Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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