I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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