I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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