We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
