suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
