If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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