I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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