Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
