dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
