Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
