in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
