i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
