Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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