Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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