they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Randomize
