I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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