She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
send nudes
from the living room?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
