Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Randomize
