Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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