the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
