after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
