Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's always time for handjobs
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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