He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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