Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
