its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
