We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
this boner is exhausting
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
